Hospitality (Part 3): Tending Souls
Click here for Part 2.
Humans are not simply material beings with only physical needs. We are body and soul! This must be taken into account when we practice hospitality. (It needs to be taken into account every day by HearthKeepers.) When we welcome outsiders into our homes there are tangible things we need to keep in mind for the tending of their souls.
Welcome: We want our guests to feel that we are glad they’re here and that we’re delighted to accept the burden of their care for a few hours.
A big part of this, homemakers, is not being flustered. There is nothing wrong with still setting up as your guests arrive or still cooking if you aren’t flustered. Many people feel less awkward if they aren’t the center of attention or if they can help in some small way to finish the preparations. As long as you are laughing and smiling and not panicking, your guests will be okay; better than okay, they’ll be welcomed.
Depending on the type of event, greet your guests at the door and get them settled first. More information than they really need is better than them questioning their well-being. Take coats, accept food, tell women where they can safely set their belongings, and men too. (Some people might be carrying, a safe place away from children is important.) A place for cowboy hats might be necessary. Tell guests how soon dinner will be ready, point out bathrooms, and offer drinks. Now that your guests have had all immediate concerns addressed, they can relax into conversation. This doesn’t have to be formal or stilted. You can do this naturally and causally, just make sure it happens.
A relaxed homemaker creates relaxed company, and clear expectations are a part of that welcome.
Safety: Physical safety is a big part of hospitality. This includes the other guests you have over and seeing to physical needs. Try to pair up good groups, and never use hospitality and social situations to attempt to repair damaged relationships, especially unexpectedly. Think through who is coming. Get help without gossiping if need be, but don’t create an unsafe environment for your guests by being inconsiderate about who you invite over.
Side Note: Our young people do seem to be struggling to find spouses. If you want to play a bit of matchmaker, I don’t think that’s wrong if you don’t make it awkward and aren’t insistent and pushy. Know your guests. Some may resent a setup; some may be fine as long as they are forewarned. Just be careful and respectful.
Another element of creating a safe place for guests is the general demeanor of yourself and your people. No one wants to walk in on an argument or a temper tantrum. Do the work ahead of time to be self-controlled. Seek peace with your people so that when outsiders come in they can participate in conversations, not problems. Do discipline your children even if you have guests. Don’t let company be an excuse for your children to act out. That doesn’t create a safe and comfortable environment for anyone.
Lastly, learn to make good conversation. Ask questions and engage your company. Don’t attack or belittle them even if you disagree with them on some subject. It is a conversation, not a battle to win.
A lot of us react negatively to the contemporary idea of “safe spaces”, but our homes should be safe places. They shouldn’t be places of complacency or lies, but spaces of kindness and compassion. Homes are where safety belongs as opposed to college campuses or workplaces. Home is the safe place away from the world.
Encouragement: Our goal when having guests over is for them to leave fortified. We want them to feel cherished and ready to go back to their lives with more strength than when they arrived at our door. We want them to know they’re loved, valued, and understood. If people leave stressed, embarrassed, and thinking they never want to come over to our homes again, we’ve done something wrong.
It is up to us to set our company at ease, to see to their needs, and to strive for conversation that builds. This includes asking personal questions but not too personal, engaging the quiet, heading off the loud, and watching for awkward silences and panicked filler-talk. Work to engage. Remember everyone feels inept in social situations. Do your best.
Practice: For the majority of us, these things don’t come easy, especially conversation. Remind yourself of this moment in Pride and Prejudice when you want to throw in the towel after some awkward evening that didn’t go as you had hoped.
“Darcy: I certainly have not the talent which some people possess, of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.
Elizabeth: My fingers do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault -- because I would not take the trouble of practicing. ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
We must practice. If we truly believe in tending people and long for a community, we must practice having people in our homes. We must decide to embrace the awkwardness because there is no way to avoid it. People will come over who only give one-word answers to every question asked. Others are hard to form connections with because there are zero shared interests. Sometimes it seems like everything that comes out of our mouths is wrong or misunderstood. Sometimes we plow through when we should have stepped back and our people are exhausted while we try to tend others, leaving us torn between priorities or grumpy at our people. Sometimes the whole affair ends with a sense of bunglesome gawkiness.
Let’s have the humility to laugh. Let’s laugh at ourselves and this strange human existence that we lead. Let’s laugh at how cumbersome finiteness and body/soul composites are. And then invite someone else over. Have the fortitude to do it again after a particularly uncomfortable evening.
Talk the awkwardness over, learn from any mistakes made, realign the home, and get back at it. All things worth doing take practice. We might have a spot of beginner’s luck, but at some point, we will have that horrible evening. The temptation to quit will rise up. Shoot it down, laugh it off, and get back to tending.
There is no way to have other humans in our space without facing a minefield of problems and dangers. This shouldn’t stop us. Being with people is messy, and sometimes the mess is necessary to engage in. We shouldn’t only have people over who are our best friends, family, or easy to engage with. If we truly want to tend, we must shelter the difficult, ugly, clumsy, and troubled souls as well as the easy, mature, and happy souls. This soul-tending is truly the core of our work. This is where the homemaker is made or unmade. Can we shelter souls, starting with our people and then expanding to those around us?
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